That lunar eclipse. In Capricorn during Cancer season. Cancer and Capricorn are opposites. It was strong. It was a phenomenal energy.
Coming out of Cancer season and into Leo season....
Emotions running high, in Cancer season.
Today I was hit sideways. I do not know where it came from.
Maybe I spent too much time around other people yesterday, too many people drinking, chaotic energy.
I do not drink very much. I do not use alcohol as a crutch. I had more than two drinks last night. I think that it threw me off balance.
I have a friend who uses alcohol daily, he drinks what I would call 'excessively'. Sometimes he tries to ply me with drink, and I refuse. I think that misery likes company. If a person uses/abuses alcohol, they kinda want you to indulge as well. I know my limits, and I know that drinking more than my capacity is no good for me. I watch my consumption.
To be honest, over indulgence with alcohol scares me. My friend recently died of alcoholic poisoning. There was nothing anyone could have done to prevent this.
I was driving to the beach for a late afternoon 'time out/meditation' to sooth my soul.
I broke down, while driving, and I did not expect it at all.
What may have triggered it was waking up with breast pain again. My left breast. Since an injury a while ago, I have noticed how it sometimes feels extra sensitive, at the end of my cycle. It has a tingling kind of pain, around the areola. When I squeeze it a little, it hurts.
This worries me, and I wonder if it will always do this, or if it is still not yet fully healed. The doctor had said that it would take sometime, because of the tissue around the gland. It has a lot of layers. Milk ducts, areola tissue and fatty deposits. Breasts are very sensitive, which is why we (women) protect them and care for them. We all carry a slight fear of contracting breast cancer, as it is increasingly common.
I cried on the beach, and my heart was aching so much that I could not manage myself. I usually manage my emotions well. I have had to learn to do this. I know that I am highly sensitive and emotional, by nature, and I have to work hard at keeping myself balanced. When a tidal wave of grief strikes you, out of the blue, it's the hardest thing to manage. It's as if the pain in your soul cannot be contained in your body and it has to release.
Really, I needed to be hugged very tightly. Not by a man, because this can get them turned on.
I was lucky to have met a woman, coming out of my corner shop. I suddenly broke again and she caught me. She gave me the biggest cuddle and pushed my wet hair out of my eyes. She rubbed my back and I crouched onto the pavement in a small ball of me. We exchanged numbers. She too has had a difficult time, lately. She has Crohn's disease (which affect the bowels, mainly) and she had been in a women's refuge before coming to my village to live. She was there, just there to pick me up.
I spend a lot of my time 'picking people up', being a listening ear or a shoulder or just some good old wise words and sound practical advice - or just high spirited and fun. Smiling and laughing is contagious. It can brighten a person's day. I'm good at that, because I have endured a lot during my life. Pain and loss, grief and sadness. I know how it feels to be on the floor, unable to move, unable to think, unable to participate. I know how hard it is to collect yourself and stand yourself up, in order to carry on. I know how it feels to want to give up. This crazy world, full of traps and snares and BS and broken people. Hurting people, hurting people. Broken people living in a broken world.
And, sometimes people judge you. It can make people want to stab you in the back because your light threatens their darkness. They wonder this; "How come she's so happy, and pretty and fun and vivacious and young at heart?" How come? Because I choose to be. I prefer to be positive, open and honest with people and the world around me.
Sometimes feelings are overwhelming. Sometimes the realisation of one's aloneness can be terrifying. Knowing that each day, regardless of how you feel, you have to keep moving your life in a forwards direction and you hope that there might be a singular person in the world who would be there for you, not there for you at their convenience, there for you always and forever.
You keep hoping, you keep praying. You loose faith, you regain it. You keep going, you keep thriving because there is nothing else to do.
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